Here Comes the Sun! Soleil's Birth Story

I read an article about various women’s pregnancies in the magazine ‘Wellbeing’ and it inspired me to write about Soleil’s.

 

Marc and I weren’t planning on having a child just yet, especially since I just landed a great teaching position at Confederation Park Community School, but I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Marc and I had been dating a short time, but we both felt like we had known each other our whole lives.  It was coincidental that we just had a conversation about having children the week before we found out we were pregnant.  I had a bad day at school and said something like there was no way I was ever having children.  Marc said he was okay with that since he already had 2 wonderful kids.  I woke up the next day and firmly told him I did want to have kids and we had better discuss it because there was no way I was going to be with someone who did not want to have children.  Marc said he was okay with having more if it happened sooner rather than later, although I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean next week!  Marc and I were quite surprised when we found out we were expecting.  I was more speechless than Marc.  He said he had suspicions because I had been urinating more frequently and was a lot more tired than usual.   That weekend I was spotting and thought I had miscarried.  I felt an incredible, overwhelming sadness.  I felt like I lost something so precious, even though I just found out 2 days earlier.  I can’t even imagine how heartbreaking it would be to those parents who have had miscarriages.  Marc and I went to the doctor that day. After a positive confirmation, I knew that at that very moment I wanted a baby and I would do everything in my power to make sure my baby was safe, happy, and loved.

 

Throughout my pregnancy I read all kinds of baby information books. Since I was teaching at the time and reading quite a bit of teaching material, I appreciated the quick helpful hints from “The Pregnancy Journal; A Day-to-Day Guide to a Healthy and Happy Pregnancy”. It had great info of what my body was going through, what my body needed and interesting facts about what other cultures do all in 2-4 pages.  It also brought a nice balance of information to the monthly sections of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”.  I continued going to yoga until I was 7 months pregnant.  It wasn’t prenatal, but I knew my body well enough, spoke to the instructor, and just modified the positions. I ate small healthy meals, especially with Marc cooking, and went for daily walks up until the day I had Soleil.  I didn’t have any major cravings or complications.  I continued to receive monthly massages from Dan Oulette and weekly for the last month.  I also added a few sessions of energy work from sacral cranial therapist, Linda Fisher.  It really helped during my second trimester when I had little to no energy.  She said there was some blockage in my spleen and the day after my treatment with her I felt amazing again! Overall, I had a wonderful pregnancy.

 

I never imagined having a home birth.  Then again I never imagined having a birth of any kind. I’m pretty sure I watched a scary video or I overheard my mom telling scary things from her 7 deliveries in hospitals to make me supress any thoughts of the kind.   I always thought you were just supposed to go to the hospital to have your baby and that was that.  When Marc told me he delivered his daughter in a planned home birth, it intrigued me.  I did some research and the more I read, the more I knew having a home birth was the right choice for me.  We made some calls and had our names put on a long waiting list to have a midwife.  We attended informative prenatal classes at Birth Rhythms hosted by a doula named Jude.  She was wonderful and the class was amazing! We considered hiring Jude for our doula, but it wasn’t in our budget.  Marc and I are still in contact with Jude and the small group of parents from the class!   Coincidentally, we were all looking forward to having home births.   

 

Marc and I tried calling a few more times to the midwives to see if we got in and we were sooooo lucky that there was a cancellation.  We met with our very own midwife, Roz during my 7th month!!!  We were so excited and I was especially relieved that I wouldn’t have to endure an invasive hospital birth.  At 34 I knew myself. Even though I’m not a private person I knew I wouldn’t be able to focus on what my body needed to do to deliver a baby if I had a bunch of strangers around.  We began to prepare further for our homebirth by gathering music, writing out a birth plan, purchasing all the necessary supplies and nesting all the final details.  Most women have their first child later than their due date so we weren’t quite 100% prepared with 8 days to go.  The birthing pool was supposed to come the next day and I still had work to do at school. 

 

It was 9 p.m. on Monday, October 25 and Marc was busy nesting in the kitchen making muffins and cooking chicken.  I was writing a curriculum evaluation that was due the next day.  My contractions began consistently at 10 minute intervals. I assumed it was false labour.  In our class they said to have a warm bath and they should go away.  I finished as much as I could of the evaluation and at 10pm I went to have a nice warm bath.  I got out of the tub and within a few minutes they came back, only stronger.  I remember at one point lying across my yoga ball asking Marc when the (according to our prenatal classes) “happy face stage” would come.  In between supporting me through contractions, writing down my experiences, and baking muffins Marc called Roz at 1:15 a.m., knowing we were in the ‘transition stage’.  When she came in at 1:45 a.m. she was quietly whispering to Marc.  I asked them to be quite as nicely as I could, because I was trying to focus on what my body needed.  Even their whispering made it difficult to stay focused.  When they whispered again I lost my focus, my connection to myself.   I got out of the tub and began screaming with more intensity from the contractions.  Marc and Roz were looking at each other as if they were wondering if one of them should smack me back into the zone. Roz calmly explained that I needed to refocus and told me I was doing a good job and I was back on track.  

 

I usually don’t take pain relievers in general and definitely none that could possibly have a significant effect on my unborn child. I did take 2 Advil right before Roz got there and felt they helped a lot.   During our prenatal classes we learned that laughing gas has no effect on an unborn child and I felt comfortable taking it.  I asked Roz if I could have some of that laughing gas now but she said it was too late for that now as I was going to be having a baby very soon. In some way this helped me stay on track.  I began pushing, my eyes were closed, and I was listening to what Roz and my body were telling me to do.  She made me feel like whatever my body was telling me to do was what I needed to do. I knew I didn’t want to be pushing for four hours so I made sure to give an extra ‘umph’. Three pushes later, as I was squatting on my bathroom floor with Marc pressing on my lower back, Roz told me to get ready because I will have to catch my baby. At 2:02 am, after only 5 hours of contractions, Soleil Emma Marie was born a healthy, perfect 6 pounds and 9 ounces in the comfort of our own home. I was immediately in love.  I looked into her eyes and said, “Awwwh, it’s a real bay-bee!  So you’re what’s been kicking me for the last 9 months.” We all sat on the bathroom floor for about 20 minutes in awe of this wonderful amazing creature. I can honestly say that giving birth to Soleil was the most amazing, wonderful, miraculous moment of my life. I’m not sure if it’s because she was born in one, but she has loved bathrooms ever since.  After she was born, we hung around in bed bonding for four days without getting dressed.    Sometimes I can look at her and start crying because I love her so much.  

Healing From Within

 

My love of nature became more internal about 8 years ago when I was working fulltime, going to university fulltime, and going through a divorce all at the same time.   I was under a lot of stress and things were pretty awful and grey at times.  I remember one night I couldn’t stop crying as I was grieving over leaving my husband, his wonderful family, and my cherished pets.  I prayed to God for peace and strength.  He answered me on that night, allowing me to fall asleep within minutes of my prayer.  Another time I remember walking to class, not even remembering how I got there or where I was going. During this dreary time I did a lot of journaling, volunteering at the church, jogging, biking, walking, and spending hours lying on tennis balls to release some tension, but the overwhelming feeling of stress was still pretty intense at times. 

 

A friend of mine highly recommended an excellent reiki/cranial sacral/myofacial releasing massage therapist, Darin Churchill (241-8901).  I noticed a significant difference in my body after only 1-2 treatments even though I was already going for monthly massages with a regular RMT.   Darin encouraged me to discover my inner self through learning about chakras (energy fields within our bodies).  After a few bizarre massage treatments, I became quite interested in learning about chakras and meditation. 

 

With a month or two of first meeting Darin, I began spending 7-10 minutes every morning mindfully following the website, http://www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/open.php as I was cleansing my chakras.  Upon exploring meditation, I discovered the connection between my body and inner spirit.  The knowledge I gained through meditation and balancing my chakras enhanced my self-awareness of doing yoga.  All the work I had been doing on myself made me feel like a whole new person with bright, clear, passionate energy, almost as if I had been ‘reborn’.  I felt a great love of life and all that was in it.  I had so much love and appreciation in my heart for everything that surrounded me and was open to receive love in return.

 

In the midst of becoming a teacher, subbing as an Education Assistant, and being a councillor/coordinator for special needs children I began focusing more on my studies and work and less on myself and those people that were important to me.   I still went for walks and did yoga, but much less frequent.  Within a year or so, my best friend moved on and I ended a relationship in which we were both taking for granted.   When I realized it was the end of my relationships, I was devastated, heartbroken and felt an overwhelming feeling of greyness once again.  Like my family, they are people I love with all my heart and they were no longer in my life.  When it hit me, it hit me hard.  I woke up one morning to lie on the floor for 5 hours journaling and crying with an intense feeling of numbness.   Things weren’t the same between my friends and I for at least 3 years.

 

Feeling empty and alone, I made sure to make my apartment a tranquil place to reflect.  My energy was low and my spirit needed a rest.  I continued walking/jogging, and journaling regularly, but I didn’t feel like meditating, yoga was no longer exciting to me, volunteering was more like work, I no longer felt like seeing Darin, and my best friends were no longer there to comfort me.  I lost my passion for life once again.  However, this time I knew I didn’t want to continue to sit around crying.  I tried my best to accept each day for what it was and trust that my body would want to do the things it needed to do when it was ready.

 

I eventually began dating, but not to find a relationship.  I thought it would be good to date many people to keep me from being in a relationship.  I had never really dated before and had been in only two long-term relationships since I was 16.   I learned a lot about other people and myself.  I also discovered that dating is fun, but I am still more of a relationship person. It was during this time I had met Marc. He and I had the best first date ever! We went for a walk by the river and I felt like I could be myself around him.  Even though we had an immediate connection, I still knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship.  I tried to get a second date out of him, but he was too busy at the time.  It was probably a good thing given my situation.  

 

A few months later, I took an amazing trip to Niagra Falls/Belleville Ontario to visit a friend of mine, my aunt, and my cousin.  It was the first trip I went to on my own and it was INVIGORATING!!  Seeing the falls with my friend gave me an energy renewal and a new perspective on life.  I learned many things about myself on the trip and was able to open the window to my heart again.  When I came back home I was offered a teaching job and shortly after, Marc finally asked me out on a second date.  Life is all about being at the right place at the right time!  We felt like we had known each other all of our lives.  A few short months later, we were pregnant with Soleil.  

 

I made sure to take care of my body and listen to it throughout my pregnancy.  I did yoga up until I was 7 months and I continued to walk until I had her. I was quite tired during the first 3 months so I went to see Linda Fisher, Cranial Sacral / Visceral Therapist (665-2424) to get some energy work done.  She said there was a blockage in my spleen and proceeded to clear it.  Within a day or two I felt much more energetic.  I also continued to go to an amazing RMT, Dan Ouellette (715-2354) for monthly myofacial massages and even weekly for the last month of my pregnancy.  Thanks to some healing hands and regular exercise, I had an awesome pregnancy!

 

Birthing Soleil was the single most miraculous moment of my life.  In only 5 hours and with 2 Advil, she entered our lives via a planned homebirth and filled our hearts with so much love and joy.   Marc and I were so thankful of our blessing. He is such an understanding, patient and responsive husband and father.  The first month seemed like a lifetime of getting used to all the new changes.  Breastfeeding and having to sit in a chair with her for long periods of time were the more difficult transitions for me.   After the first month, our bond became stronger as we began to find our groove.    Sometimes we could look into Soleil’s eyes and begin crying because we love her so much.  By the third month, I felt like I could respond to my little sunshine’s needs accurately and I was excited to continue bonding with her as she began to discover the world around her.  However, in giving her my all, I forgot to take care of myself.

 

I was in a car accident with Soleil when she was 4 months old.  I was involved in a few car accidents in the past, but nothing quite like this.  One accident I was involved in happened on the highway in the middle of nowhere.  I hit a patch of black ice, did a couple doughnuts, and slid into the snow-filled ditch, so far that a tractor had to pull me out. Even after that accident, I didn’t feel like I had any major symptoms besides being a bit nervous of icy roads.  I never even saw a massage therapist or chiropractor afterwards.   The accident in which Soleil was present seemed minor in comparison.  My sister and I were rushing to leave to Regina/Moosomin during Soleil’s naptime.  At the end of my block a lady in a 4x4 ran through the stop sign and hit the front, passenger side of my Mitsubishi Lancer.  We were driving at a very slow speed.  As I saw the lady coming, I tried to slam on the breaks, but the road was too icy. I felt like it was happening in slow motion and I could do nothing to stop it.  After my car was hit Soleil woke up briefly, let a cry out, then went back to sleep.  My immediate response was to check on her, not myself or my sister. Once I did that, I went off (just a little) on the lady.  I felt a bit guilty after as I saw the accident for what it was.  Afterwards, I apologized and told the lady Soleil was fine and these things happen.  My front end was hanging by a thread so we had to wait for the police to investigate it.  I drove very slowly home, made some calls, and then very slowly drove to get a rental.  I still drove all the way to Moosomin with my sister and Soleil that day. I was just so thankful she was okay.

 

It was about a week later that I began to notice symptoms. It started with me being a horrible, nervous back seat driver.  It became so frustrating for me and everyone in the vehicle.  After a while, I had to drive because I couldn’t handle not having control when Marc or anyone else would be driving.  A week after the accident, Soleil went from waking up two times in the middle of the night and putting herself to sleep 1 nap/day to waking up five to seven times/night and not being able to nap well at all.  Her difficulty sleeping continued until I stopped breastfeeding her 9 months later. I believe she was feeding of my excessive anxious energy.  I had extreme sensitivity to the environment, sounds, lights, and public places with large crowds became overwhelming. I was extremely anxious about things that were out of my control, I was worried about going back to teaching, I was nervous about leaving Soleil at daycare at the end of my one year maternity leave, I was upset about doing nothing, and I was anxious about doing little things! Some worry surrounding transitions is normal, but not to the degree I was feeling. 

 

I did not want to do yoga, I had absolutely no interest in meditating, walking, laying on tennis balls, going to the gym, painting, or many of the other things I usually like to do to work on my spiritual self.   I was so used to giving of myself, I felt guilty about spending time for myself. I also had no energy or concentration to do so.  Even after Soleil was sleeping through the night at 12 months, I was still waking up several times in the middle of the night and not being able to sleep. I was tired and had no desire or thinking capacity for doing anything outside some light reading.  Anyone who knew me before the divorce or after my ‘rebirth’ knew I wasn’t my true self.

 

Within a few months, I had severe restless leg syndrome.  Many times in the middle of the night, I would wake up because the side of my body would be numb or tingly or my leg would be shaking.  My shoulders, neck and back were so stiff Marc couldn’t even touch them.  Six months after the accident, I went through an extensive evaluation with SGI, and I was finally signed up into a physiotherapy program that included some counselling for my anxiety. I was seeing a chiropractor regularly, went for a couple acupuncture appointments with Weiping Wang (933-4164) and went to some extra myofacial massages.  I also went for Sho-tai sessions with Terry Bell (http://www.sho-tai.ca/practitioner/terry-bell) and took Asea (http://redoxsignalingwater.com/landingpage/asea?gclid=CJfGkunBgbMCFegWMgodWnEA6A), which Marc said he noticed a significant difference on the balancing of my post-partum hormones and overall mood. I felt all the things were all very helpful, but I was still in a tense bracing state.

 

It was near the end of my physiotherapy that I saw Irma Robson, a Self Regulation Therapist (SRT) (306-280-1950) and after 1 session, I could finally sleep! My anxieties were much more manageable and Marc was able to give me shoulder rubs for pain relief in my neck and legs. I went to a few more sessions with Irma and each time felt such significant improvements with my anxiety and the pain my body was in. I was still waking up 2-3 times in the middle of the night, but I was at least able to go to sleep.  I started doing basic yoga shortly after. I had tears in my eyes during my first session because I felt overwhelmed by having to start over.  I also continued to go to myofacial massages, chiropractic treatments, and a couple acupuncture appointments once my physiotherapy program ended.  Even though I felt so much better, I still didn’t feel quite right. I couldn't enjoy being in the moment, even during a bath I would be thinking about what I had to do next.  My extreme passion for life, high energy drive, and the essence of Shawna was still buried.  Most importantly, I felt disconnected with my body. 

 

About a month ago I decided to switch chiropractors.  Apparently, the first one hadn’t done an x-ray and my neck was beginning to curve the opposite way and was tilted to one side. I went to see my regular homeopath, Dr. Hoe Mark (382-4507) and after a series of questions he gave me a homeopathic that helped me get a deeper sleep.  He said my mind/spirit was still at the car accident and the homeopathic would help me. I’ve been getting much deeper sleep ever since, but was still waking up 2-3 times in the middle of the night.

 

A couple weeks ago I read an excellent book about trauma, ‘Healing Trauma; A Pioneering Program for restoring the Wisdom of your Body’, by Peter Levine. I learned what ‘trauma’ is, why the accident with Soleil was traumatic for me, what I could have done to prevent it.  I was able to label the symptoms I was having from the traumatic incident and do the simple exercises to begin healing.  Levine identifies trauma as being “about loss of connection-to ourselves, to our bodies, to our families, and to the world around us”.  I had almost all of the symptoms he had listed at one time or another since the accident.  Thank goodness I have such an amazing, understanding and patient partner!! After doing the simple exercises in the book for a couple days I noticed some more major shifting. It was shortly after that I decided to try Bodytalk and found a local therapist

 

I went to Kristen Petersen (291-8552) for a bodytalk session.  She basically ‘reset my breaker box’ and helped my brain connect with my body again. I was lying on a massage table fully clothed, as she held my wrist. Based on my body’s response she massaged a certain area of my body and then did a series of tapping on different areas of my body.  No session is supposed to be the same and there was no pain involved.  Within 60 minutes I felt light, free, flexible and calm. Within 5 days I slept through the night for the first time in 3 years! Within a week of the session I was able to sit in a restaurant and enjoy a meal with my husband and daughter and not be in a panic state.  My energy level has increased to the point where I’m actually jogging again!!  While I’m jogging I breathe in the beauty that surrounds me once again.  I was in church this past weekend and I noticed my concentration is back and I felt the rhythm of the music in my hips again. The essence of Shawna has returned and so has MY PASSION FOR LIFE! 

                                                                                                                                     

When I was in a traumatized state, I was unable to be myself. I felt extremely disconnected and constantly thought about the future instead of enjoying the present moment in order to escape being in my body. I felt I had little control over how I felt or reacted to certain situations, especially those involving Marc and not following a schedule. It was extremely frustrating for me and those who are close to me. Once I was able to find healing from the right people, I was able to start healing again.

I have always believed that all things in life happen for a reason and that reason is attached to gaining a deeper understanding of one’s self or life in general.  What I’ve learned from my experiences is to never take life or the people around me for granted.  I learned to keep looking if one method of healing doesn't work because it is out there and not all healers within the same modality offer the same results.  I’ve gained a deeper connection to myself and discovered that I am most at peace with life and myself when I am able to be open to loving and receiving love from all that surround me.  I learned that we don't really have control over anything and when we let go of that desire to control things, we become free.

My advice to those who have been through any kind of traumatic experience is to keep looking for healing because the right help is out there  you just need to be open to finding it.  And most importantly, try to be patient and forgiving of yourself in the learning process.  

 

If you have been in a traumatic experience, I would highly recommend reading, ‘Healing Trauma; A Pioneering Program for restoring the Wisdom of your Body’, by Peter Levine.  The easy to ready, hard cover book can be found at the library.  

 

I am still am seeing the following excellent practitioners and would highly recommend seeing them for healing of trauma and/or ongoing body work;

 

Bodytalk/RMT: Kristen Petersen/14^th St.E (291-8552) More info on body talk and Kristen Petersen can be found at http://www.bodytalksystem.com/learn/bodytalk/principles.cfm

SRT (Self Regulation Therapy): Irma Robson 2^nd Ave N (280-1950), although Heather Brenneman (343-502) or Judy Pope (934-6454) are supposed to be excellent as well and they are Psychologist so it would be reimbursable for insurance. More information about SRT and the practitioners can be found at; http://www.cftre.com/

Chiropractor:  Dr. Cam Olson (955-5888)

Acupuncture: Wei Ping Wang/315 20^th ST.  (933-4164)

Homeopath: Dr. Hoe Mark/315 20^th ST. E.  (382-4507)

Myofacial Massage Therapy: Aaron Johnston (249-4099) Jody Braun (249-4099) or Dan Oullette (715-2354)

Cranial Sacral / Visceral Therapist: Marie Laniece (384-3531) or Linda Fisher (665-2424)
Sho-Tai: Terry Bell http://www.sho-tai.ca/practitioner/terry-bell